When my babe was finally outside the womb longer than she was inside
Motherhood. Gosh, that word means so many things. My journey with motherhood won’t be the same as yours or the same as anyone else’s for that matter.
I wanted to be a mother so badly. As long as I can remember I’ve known I wanted four beautiful children. I wanted to create memories with them and give them the same kind of experiences that my parents gave me. I started making big family plans from a young age.
When Dan and I decided it was time to grow our family, I was so excited. I won’t lie, it took longer than I thought (as in, it took longer than the first month of trying) and it devastated me. The longer it took, the more my stress levels rose. What if I can’t have kids? Was a question I asked myself DAILY. I imagine so many women go through this stage. We just expect God to give us what we want because we’ve decided we’re ready for it. In our case, even though I thought we were ready, God knew we needed a little more time.
It happened when we least expected it; after a doctors appointment that promised more tests and a little longer of trying. It was the best day of my life and I’ll never forget that feeling of seeing two pink lines.
From the moment I saw those two pink lines, I was a mother.
In hindsight, pregnancy flew by; but in the moment? It was the LONGEST 9 months of my life! Between morning sickness, bad sleep, and swelling; it wasn’t my favorite season of life that’s for sure! But it’s true what they say, the MOMENT you lay eyes on your babe- it’s ALL worth it.
My best friends and family would say that motherhood came naturally to me; and I don’t disagree with that. I was blessed with being able to breastfeed and pump with no problems. She is a wonderful baby and an amazing sleeper which helps a TON.
However, my journey hasn’t been entirely struggle free. My struggles weren’t with motherhood but were with TIME. Time was and IS going by TOO FAST. Once Penelope hit 7 months, I started to struggle a little more. I wasn’t depressed, but I was sad. I watched her learn something new EVERYDAY. It was amazing. I would watch her crawl over to me and pull herself up on my leg. I’d smile down at her, and then start to tear up. How is she doing that already? Oh my goodness! She couldn’t do that yesterday!
Then she started sleeping through the night. Most people would get excited about this milestone, and I did too in a sense, but it meant I was nursing her less. The dropping of night feedings for me was emotional turmoil. I can’t explain the bond that breastfeeding creates and I can’t explain the hole that is left when it weans out of your life but let me tell you this, it will rock your world. For about a week, right before I would go to bed, I was hit with a wall of emotion and hysterical crying. My husband did the best he could to comfort me but it’s hard for someone to understand the emotional connection when they haven’t experienced it themselves. As with everything, time helps heal, but it was from that experience that I realized from now on, she’s going to need me less and less. The craziest part?! The sadness I feel of her needing me less and less is paired with the excitement and pride of watching her grow and accomplish more on her own! Talk about a whirlwind of emotions!
In my short time of being a mom I’ve realized that the circle of life is amazing. Becoming a mother has made me appreciate and understand my parents so much more. It helps you understand why they hold on tight even when you think you’re ready to fly. I tell people all the time now, I always knew my parents loved me, but once I became a mother, I realized how MUCH they love me.
I can’t wait to continue on this journey. Even though I’m sad about how fast it’s going by, I’m still SO IN LOVE with the whole experience. Don’t worry, I’ll fill you in on this ride every now and then. Afterall, it’s just beginning!
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